My struggle with the 4-letter “F” word
I hope I’m accurately representing this and not just presenting a situation of misery loving company, but I find that most of us women struggle with this. (And I don’t just mean the potty mouthed, card shark types.) 😀
Last night, we had an impromptu date night. Generally we date later in the week, but the way this week is playing out, it became obvious it was a “do it or lose it” proposition. SO, off to date we go.
One of the things that is “standard” to date night is the question – “What is on your heart?” That allows each of us opportunity to share the heaviest thing/s we’re carrying. Last night, every few words I was using the “f” word. “I just FEEL xxxxxx.” “I FEEL yyyyy.” “I know the Lord said thus, but I FEEL ppppp.” Feel, feel feel.
Since when have my feelings EVER been solid ground? Why do I continue to go back and stand in an unsafe place, waving my arms about? (Does anyone else get a picture of King Kong here….hanging on the side of the Empire State Building…waving his arms about and growling?)
When we were first married, I remember telling Jeff how I felt about something. He, in true male form replied, “But that isn’t true.” He assumed this would end the argument. I felt one way…it wasn’t true…what more was there to discuss? My response to him rings in my ears….mostly because I need to remember what I believed back then. I said, (and I quote) “They are MY feelings….right or wrong. Since I feel them they have value and merit.”
Can you imagine? “Because I deem this to be true, you must bow to my self-inflicted lies and furthermore, you must base your responses to me off of my delusions.” Don’t people get sent to Happy Dale for less?!! (source, anyone?) My goodness, the arrogance astounds even me.
Even knowing this, it is amazing to me how insidious this little word is in my days. I find it creeping up behind me to determine how I respond to situations and people. How often are my children given a wrong response because of how I felt about what they said? (Please, children, you needn’t feel an obligation to try and count them all, ok?? This is simply a rhetorical question!!) I can’t…won’t even consider how often I’ve done that with Jeff.
Being the mother of teenagers, I need to remind myself, and them, all the time, that the feelings that they are feeling are false. They may have some truth in them, but the Lord calls us to act and speak in LOVE and TRUTH, not in FEELINGS. Our hearts are deceitful above all else. This I know. If it were not so, how would it be that this little “f” word could sneak back into my life again and again? I know to watch for it. I’ve done battle with this guy before…yet, here it is…AGAIN.
Oh, how I wish I could conquer this nasty little habit of using this 4 letter “f” word ONCE AND FOR ALL. And replace it, instead, with words of life and Truth and faith. O’ Lord, help me use my mouth as an instrument of life….not lies.
Edit: For those of you who have gotten to this point and are still stuck up at the top when I said we made a snap decision and went on a date – please know that this too will happen to you. We are in the stages of having a teenager or two. We now have the freedom to jump up and go on a date without spending 4 days tracking down a sitter. Now, go back and read the rest of the blog….. 😉