Having children is bad for your nose
No, I’m not talking about the way they smell – although there are moments that would qualify. (Am I the only Mom in Christendom that is so cruel as to carry ONE (GASP) deodorant in the van and require all bodies, ages 12 and up to reapply said accoutrement prior to venturing from the house?? COME ON – 5 sweat producing bodies in a closed vehicle, with one in diapers, too? Really, it’s simply too much to ask of one mother. But, I digress…)
No, I’m talking about the physical state of one’s nose. Ever since the birth of the latest Javabean, our beloved Booger Baby, (or any of the other miscellaneous names we call her) my nose has been under attack. She was hours old when she first kicked me in the nose. Since then, she has head bashed it, continued to kick it, slap at it while nursing, bite it….even sneeze UP it. It has been a declared state of war since day one. (The battle has become so fierce that if I’m holding Sunshine Baby and say, “Ouch.” the first response I get is, “Is your nose ok?” Except of course for one child that will remain nameless, unless they come on here and confess, who said, “Was it your same nose?” To which I replied, “No, it was my other one this time.” ….. right before I melted down in laughter.)
Lest you think this has to do with the size of my nose, I must say, I do have a real BEAK. There is no other way to describe it…I think my Dad, who shares my beaky nose would call it Romanesque, but he is simply in denial. But beak or no beak, my nose has now under gone the ultimate of woundings, from which I am not certain that it will recover. (And I thought her sneezing UP my nose was the ultimate – ahhh, my error, for certain)
The other night, after dinner, Baby Javabean was eating apple in her high chair. This child doesn’t just “eat” apple, she DEVOURS it. Her estimated bite count for one apple is two. When we feed her apple, we put her bib on that says, “Stand back, these cheeks are gonna blow” and we do it for a reason – because it’s true.
Now, let me set the stage for you – it’s after dinner. All Clark Javabeans are busy about their chores (or SHOULD have been at any rate) Mama Java is at the computer doing some searches, preparing to put some things on ebay. Said ebay materials are in the library, stacked in large Rubbermaid bins. (Are you with me here?)
Suddenly, from the other room, the sound of choking is heard….and heard…and heard. Mama Java, in typical maternal fashion JUMPS up from her desk and begins to RACE to the side of her choking infant, to rescue her from the excessive apple she has crammed into her mouth. At the very moment I spun around, my foot, which was sitting crossed over my lap, got caught in the cord to the mouse. (You still with me?) I performed a perfect “10” Triple Toe Loop and proceed to go airborne, only to have an intimate tryst with the Law of Gravity. Unfortunately for me….my nose was the point that met with gravitational pull first. It performed the ultimate of sacrificial acts and took the entire weight of my fall – right on the edge of the Rubbermaid bin. (And yes, Little Tommy, the baby was fine.)
Suffice it to say, if you were to talk to me, I sound like I have a stuffed nose…wherein the truth would lie more in the fact that I have a SWOLLEN nose. Furthermore, (I know you will all be jealous) my nose is purple. It’s a lovely shade of purple, one that makes my green eyes just stand out, I’m certain. (And, laughing is truly painful, so I make every effort to avoid it.)
You must know, of course, that this morning, in the dark, Sweet Snuggly Javababy whapped my purple nose with her balled up fist. So, I say it again, children are bad for your nose!!!!!