Having my eyes adjusted

I can ignore it no longer.  It is staring me in the face.  I have two choices.  I can either continue to have my pathetic eyesight or I can get my eyes adjusted.  I wish it were an easy decision.  Why, you ask, would anyone WANT to have bad eyesight?  Because, it’s easier……

This coming Saturday is Jeff’s Christmas party.  The mere thought of it leaves me wanting to get a bad case of hoof and mouth disease or some such.

It’s not because the people he works with are so annoying.  It’s not because of the content of the evening.  It’s not because of any part of it, except……(cue the scary music) they’re new people.

I don’t do new people well.  I, with shame, confess that fear of man ravages me when I’m going into a situation where I will be with new people.  I will end up feeling sick for at least 24 hours prior to going.   You see, I am a person who can walk into a room and be invisible.  I am a very plain person.  In fact, I am an overweight plain person who is officially middle aged – a triple threat.  The thought of being in the midst of a crowd of young, vibrant people leaves me quivering inside, groping for something engaging to say.

Generally in a setting like this I will swing one of two ways – if I’m feeling “up to it”, I will put on the confident entertaining Dawn face and walk into the room, totally able to fake my way through the entire evening.  If you don’t know me VERY well, you will never know I’m shaking in my boots.  If I am feeling especially plain or especially hormonal (ugh) I will be very quiet. (It is a thing to behold – Javadawn with a silent mouth)  😉    I will smile and make my silent way around the room.  I won’t ignore anyone, but I won’t make an effort to seek anyone out, either.  I will come and go from the party, like a wisp of a breeze, barely enough to even be felt.

This past week, however, the Holy Spirit has been quietly speaking to my heart about my choice of focus. I can either focus on myself, how I appear to others, how well I “perform”  OR I can allow Him to adjust my eyesight.  If I lay myself down – on the altar – and allow Him to work on my eyes, nothing about ME is going to change.  I will still look like an overweight, plain, middle aged person.  I will likely still struggle for something clever or engaging to say. I may even still appear invisible, BUT I will not pass through this party without touching the life of someone else there.

I can’t tell you how much I long to be able to allow this work of Father to be done in me.  I want to go – and be totally unconcerned for how I’m perceived, but instead, have my eyes TOTALLY and ONLY on the Lord and those that He is placing into my path for that evening.  I want to not be attentive to what I’m wearing or how I move or how I look or if I’m funny or not.  I want to have no concern for whether or not I’m invisible, but only if I’m pleasing my Lord.

Tonight, in our family devotions, Jeff was reading to the children from Isaiah – he read, “He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.”  It hit me  – that is ME! I have nothing to look upon – there is no thing about me that would attract anyone  – but, unlike Christ, the Lord is not asking me to be crushed at this party.  (No matter how much it may seem like it)   😉   But, I too, have the option of responding as my Savior did – like a sheep that is silent before its shearers.

I would ask that you would, if Father lays it on your heart, pray for me.  Pray that I can truly have eyes that are turned toward Father – and therefore toward His children – and not toward myself.  AND most of all, I would ask that you hold me accountable.  Come next week, won’t you please ask if I have been faithful to deny myself the focus of my attention, but rather allowed my sight to be adjusted, to look upon others?  I have no doubt, that if I am faithful to allow the Lord to do this work in me, this will be the best Christmas party ever.

10 Responses to “Having my eyes adjusted”
  1. Praying Dawn.

    Praying that you will see these people through the eyes and heart of Christ and that your heart will be as attentive as Simeon’s to know who to seek out in a crowd because they need a touch from the Master via his servant. Praying that as you mingle at this party you will leave behind you the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ. Praying that when you walk into the room you would not be filled with self-confidence, but rather God-confidence. Praying that you would take pleasure in being the most beautiful woman in the room in Jeff’s eyes.

    Who knows who the Father has appointed for you to meet? A crowd full of young(er) people you say? Any young moms overwhelmed with raising small children? Any young brides seeking Christmas traditions for their own new families? Any young(er) women who the Bible exhorts us to share wisdom with as we have the chance? Hmmmm sounds to me like your blog is gearing up for a road trip to a Christmas party!

  2. javadawn says:

    M ~ Thank you! Thank you for the precious prayers.

    You know, it’s funny – if I allow myself to consider that any one of those precious women you describe might be there, I feel quite ready to go and minister. It’s when I allow my silly mind to conjure up who I *think* will be there that I get scared. (What a dope! Obviously I need my brain adjusted too, huh? What was it I said a few weeks ago? As Believers we MUST be ready to take every thought captive….guess I need to preach to myself.) 🙂

  3. whimsy says:

    yeah, what undivided heart said.

    I figure there will be at least vibrant young woman who has all the “trappings” and a big ole God sized hole in her heart. Sensing that your heart is full, she will be drawn to you and “want what you have”

    I pray for all the seeds you will sow even if you don’t see them. (and hopefully some you will)

  4. Violet says:

    Oh Dawn. I can so relate to how you feel! Meeting new people has always been something that makes me cringe inside. But what has helped me so much has been asking myself the question Undividedheart posed, “Who knows who the Father has appointed for you to meet?” When I go into a situation looking for that “appointed one” I get excited about what He has planned. So I’ll be praying for both of you as you anticipate this meeting.

  5. Dawn – You are extremely attractive! Now I have absolutely no idea what you actually look like on the outside, but I do know what you look like on the inside and you attract people like a magnet because we see His light shining out of you. It’s not something you have to do or a certain way you have to be. I pray that God will chose to bless someone through you at this party. I know exactly what you mean about getting caught up in what kind of impression I’m going to make and what I look like, so I can empathize and I will be PRAYING! I know someone there will be touched by you:)

  6. Kate says:

    all of the above – and also there will certainly be someone who wants to be there even less than you do (and they really need you).

  7. Holly says:

    Sheesh. You ain’t plain! You’re purty!

    And I KNOW, because I’ve met you. (But you WERE sick when we met…Did meeting me make you THAT ill?)

  8. javadawn says:

    Oh Ladies, if it was YOU who were going to be at the party, I’d be eager as all get out. I must say, that ever since I confessed this battle and acknowledged that it was a matter of taking my thoughts captive and keeping my eyes upon Father, to know whom I am to minister to, I’m not dreading it nearly as much. (Not even KINDA!!)
    Thank you for your kindness and your encouragement!
    (Silly Holly Belle – it isn’t THAT kind of sick. 😀 It’s a totally different kind – but I “knew” you – I wasn’t scared of you. Why don’t you visit again and let’s see if I’m scared this time??) 😉
    Kate, your words pierced me – I know you’re right! I have an “unfair” advantage in that Jeff used to be the group leader over 1/2 the group (before they did the revamping of the production staff) so to some of them, I will seem like “management,” making ME seem scary to them. (I saw that when we had the crew here a few years ago) It was so gracious of you to remind me!!! Thank you ~

  9. valerie says:

    Hey Dawn!

    We have Arran’s company dinner/dance on Saturday night…. I can kind of relate! What I don’t like is an evening of the banal – I am hoping and praying for some GOOD conversation. D’ya reckon I can get that amongst a bunch of engineers?! 😉

    I am a teeny bit anxious about meeting all his colleagues – knowing that all new folks will be ‘inspected’ ugh! I’ll pray for you, ok?

    love ya!


  10. Jen says:

    good middle of the night to ya,
    thanks for your prayers for me. keeping you in mine as you head towards Saturday’s party. may He continue to give you peace.

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