Distracted with much serving…
The phone was ringing, the baby squalling, two Clark kiddos were bickering – over the too-loud music that was playing, the dryer was buzzing, someone was calling me to come help with their school work, the dog was barking and me? I was crying. I was crying because the whole place was coming unglued, every where I turned, I was needed. There was nothing that could happen without me. I was on call, over whelmed and under paid!! (Not to mention under rested) I just wanted a break.
Perhaps you’re thinking this event occurred when my house was full of many Littles and few to no Bigs. You would be wrong. This just occurred several weeks ago. This post has been coming ever since then…..but you see, as it is when the Lord does a deep and powerful move in your heart, it takes a while to process it and then put it into words that might mean something (anything?!!) to someone else reading it.
This post is that attempt – to take something that the Lord has been working deep in the depth of who I am – and hopefully make it into something that might minister to someone else. If it doesn’t attain to that, I apologize in advance. But, please do not dismiss it out of hand – please chew on it, please pray about it and THEN, if Father does nothing with it in your heart – so be it.
As I stood at the washer, staring out the window, the baby’s shrill whining piercing my brain like a knife, the tears rolled down my cheeks onto the paper where I was comparing the prices of four different laundry detergents to make certain I was getting every possible cents-worth, as well as the best possible cleaner. (This was the 2nd day I had been figuring such things. Money was tight and I needed to make THE BEST decision.) I remember thinking, “Please LORD, PLEASE tell me that You have something of greater value for my mind than spending two days figuring out what the best laundry detergent to use, is.”
You see, it wasn’t the arguing, the dog barking or the school stuff “what done me in,” it was the thought that my brain, my entire life was being spent on pursuing, contemplating and performing only the menial.
Now, before we go any further, I want to ‘splain what I mean by “the menial” for you see, there are some things that I do that some would consider to be menial, that I find to be joy filled and a delight to perform. I am not talking about wiping a runny nose or changing a diaper. There is a precious person attached to both those ends. I am serving them. I am able to make silly faces or talk gently or love on that little person while I am attending to those tasks. (Mind you I did say am able…not that I always get the job done.) 🙄 Washing dishes is the same way – I am serving my family.
On the other hand, when I am attending to the tasks that have no particular value, except to show that I’m am a good keeper of my home, I find they end up draining me of mental strength and cause me to feel that I…that I, woman, one of the crowns of God’s creation must SURELY have more value than that. Surely, when God breathed life into Eve, His plan for her was greater than making laundry detergent….or figuring out exactly which one was the better deal. Surely the woman He made to be a joint bearer of His image, who was told to be a dominion taker, surely it wasn’t just the best cracker prices that He intended her to take dominion of! After all, Scripture says it was eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Life and Death that would render her dead, not neglecting to make her own sourdough!!!
As I stood there, trying to ignore all the chaos reigning around me and gain control of my emotions, the Holy Spirit began to minister to my soul. Immediately I thought of Matthew 11:30. This didn’t feel like any light or easy yoke. I asked for the strength to work in this yoke… and deal with the immediate crises. I then required all Clark personnel to hole up in their rooms for the next 30 min.
I went and THREW myself into my prayer closet. I NEEDED Father to meet me there. I needed to know that what I was doing had value, importance and some where along the line eternal significance. Those are all the things I would tell you that mothering had – yet I felt none of them. I began to cry out to the Lord…seeking Him for understanding and restoration. (I knew I couldn’t leave everyone in their rooms until Jeff got home, no matter how much I wanted to, so this needed to be to the point!) “Father, I need You to address my heart – what is causing this? Is it a matter of just being a whiner? If so, I will address it. Is it just a matter of sleep deprivation? If so, I’ll take a nap. Lord, ADDRESS my heart, I beseech YOU!”
I can’t say anything really occurred while I was there in my prayer time – except that He ministered to me the grace I needed to go and serve anew, minister to my kiddos and take care of the details of my day. But all through the day, I began to have this niggling sense of “Is this necessary?” Just like Mary, I wanted to make certain that I had chosen the good portion…that I was doing what was necessary. Each and every thing I turned my hand to, I would ask, “Is this necessary, Lord?”
This is another one of those really long posts, and rather than send you into a stupor, I’m going to quit here. If anything about what I’ve shared here seems like what you’ve experienced…are experiencing, won’t you join me? Won’t you join me and our sister Mary, and start asking “Is this necessary, Lord?”
(Edit: This post is “continued” in “Choosing the Good Portion”)