Mirror mirror full of lies ~ Every word you speak, I despise
On the front line, the King knew that His daughter was in grave danger, but His love for His people wouldn’t allow Him to leave. So day in and day out, His concern for her grew.
The next in command to the King could see His Master was full of concern, so He asked, “My Lord, what causes Your brow to knit beneath Your Crown?” Lonely from carrying the burden of concern for His daughter alone, He shared His heart with His faithful and true Captain.
“My Lord, I would be honored to go back to Your home and rescue Your daughter from the hands of Your enemy. I would do it out of My love for You alone, but in hearing You speak of Your daughter so often, I find My love for her has grown as well. Would You allow Me to do this for You?”
The King barely paused a moment before agreeing. If He could not attend to the need of His daughter, who better to send than His beloved Captain? “I must tell You, however, My Precious Second, the enemy of My kingdom is so evil that not just any Rescuer will do. He must be her Kinsman Redeemer. Because You are no relation, this means the only way for You to rescue her is to marry her and make Yourself her Redeemer.” With joy the Captain accepted His charge! So, He left at once, riding hard and fast to reach the princess – His soon to be Bride – before more damage could be done.
Arriving in the little town where the princess was living, the Captain was surprised to see quaint life continuing as normal. From His vantage point, of being on the front line, He had almost forgotten what normal life was like. Looking across the town square, He caught His first glimpse of the princess.
This was the girl who was concerned that she was common? That she was invisible? Did she not know how much she looked like her Father? Could she not see that His very essence was within her? What could she possibly be comparing herself to, that she would think that she was nothing?
We both arrived at the door at the same time. She was young, thin and shapely, I was over 30 and overweight. He held the door for her and let it shut on me, despite the fact that I was carrying a baby. I knew then that I hated being plain even more than I could put to words. I knew then that I had officially become invisible. There is little more that people with big technicolor personalities hate than to be invisible. (We hardly like being quiet – ask Kristine or anyone who knows me IRL) 😉
When I met Jeff, he had more girlfriends than I could keep track of. He was so smooth and suave that women practically threw themselves at him. I’m serious. I saw a young lady basically propose marriage to him, even though she hadn’t seen him in person for many years. My friend Mary Jo said, “He’s slick. A few hours with him and you could be eating out his hand! Man, enjoy him, but beeee careful.” I was too bullheaded to listen. 😆
Because of my past and the wounding that the sins of my father and grandfather had perpetrated against me, when I met Jeff, I pinned the hopes and dreams of years of girlhood on him. I wanted him to find me to be the most breathtakingly beautiful thing in the world. I wanted him to have eyes for no one else. I didn’t for one second believe I deserved such a thing or warranted such attention, but I wanted it. 😆 I wanted God to make me such a perfect fit for him, that he would never want another. It didn’t happen….again.
About 10 yrs ago, after many years of secrecy and lies, Jeff confessed to me that he too had been harboring an addiction to pornography. He didn’t tell me until he and God had had it out and the Lord had set him free. (I remember the day it happpened – I just didn’t know what had occurred. Jeff had a retreat day without us and when he came to get us from my Mom’s where we were staying, his face was full of broken blood vessels. He had spent the day in gut wrenching weeping, as the Lord both convicted him and started him on the path to freedom.) I was torn between feelings of anger, betrayal and incredible thankfulness that the Lord had protected the children and I through that and left me oblivious until that very moment.
However, what that stirred up in me in regards to how I looked was horribly painful. For the first time in fourteen years of marriage, he was telling me I was beautiful (Something about valiantly fighting the battle of pornography made him more of a man. No longer was he allowing his fear of my response to keep him from telling me I was beautiful to him) and now more than ever, I could not believe him. The time he spent desiring others only convinced me anew that I was nothing to be desired. The pain was so great, I remember waking one morning and saying, “Father, will there ever be a day I can wake up without my heart feeling like it will explode?” That day came, but it was long in the making.
Because of this confession, and the emboldening (is that even a word???) that Jeff found in doing battle with his sin, our marriage became more than I could EVER wish or dream for. It was sweeter, richer and more deep than anything I knew anyone else had. Yet still, in his arms, I just felt….plain. Truly in all areas of our life – except how I looked – I knew, and had experienced, the joy of the years of the locusts eating being restored to me. When it came to how I looked, I believed with all my heart, that the Lord had chosen to not make me beautiful and that is how I would remain.
(Dear ones – I must ask you before I end, for now – do you love your husband? Is there even a shred of love in your heart for him? Then do not allow the sin of pornography in your household. I have heard MANY women say that grace should be given to our poor bedraggled men -for they are in the world and they simply can’t help it.
To which I reply, “Would you stand by and watch someone steal from you and your husband, if you had the means by which to stop it? Would you allow someone to come and beat your husband to a pulp without doing something to stop it?” One Brother in the Lord told me, “Don’t make him stop looking at other women, he isn’t dead, you know.” I was livid. I responded with, “On the contrary, that is EXACTLY what the Lord has called him to do. Die to his sin and live in grace and victory.” (Side note – that Brother was our pastor. How sad that makes me now, that he made excuses for the sin of lust so readily.)
Dear Sister, by allowing the sin of pornography to reside in your home without confronting it, you are allowing the enemy to beat the stinking daylights out of your husband. If Jeff had confessed to me any earlier, I would have allowed it to go on, because I believed that my place as his helpmeet was to shut up and allow him to continue in his sin. THAT IS A LIE. As someone who loves her man, you should be arming yourself with EVERY tool in the arsenal of God, to do battle with this heinous, never-satisfied beast! If you don’t know how to do battle with this, then ask me.
I have spent a lifetime having porn steal from me. I can never go back and have the delight of a daddy watching his daughter twirl and say, “How do I look Daddy?” That day is reserved for my time with Father, now. But that is not how it is intended to be. Do not let this beast from the pit steal that from your daughter. Likewise, I will never know that “punched in the stomach” feel I’ve heard other men talk of, when seeing their wife for the first time. That too was stolen from me. And from Jeff. It has been stolen from too many of us. We must now stand up and fight. There is no later. The hour is now and the battle is intense and we must enter it.
Um…gee, want to know how I really feel about all this??!!! I did mention I had a technicolor personality, didn’t I? There is little I have no passion about, but this issue sets me RAGING. Please forgive me if my intensity offends you.)
PS If porn has already stolen much from you, and your love for your husband is waning (or has died already) because of this vile thing, then let’s talk. (email me) I believe that the Lord has taught me, some, how to move from that place. Please know I’m praying for any of you that this may apply to!