Mirror mirror full of lies ~ Every word you speak, I despise

On the front line, the King knew that His daughter was in grave danger, but His love for His people wouldn’t allow Him to leave.  So day in and day out, His concern for her grew.

The next in command to the King could see His Master was full of concern, so He asked, “My Lord, what causes Your brow to knit beneath Your Crown?”  Lonely from carrying the burden of concern for His daughter alone, He shared His heart with His faithful and true Captain.

“My Lord, I would be honored to go back to Your home and rescue Your daughter from the hands of Your enemy.  I would do it out of My love for You alone, but in hearing You speak of Your daughter so often, I find My love for her has grown as well.  Would You allow Me to do this for You?”

The King barely paused a moment before agreeing.  If He could not attend to the need of His daughter, who better to send than His beloved Captain?  “I must tell You, however, My Precious Second, the enemy of My kingdom is so evil that not just any Rescuer will do.  He must be her Kinsman Redeemer.  Because You are no relation, this means the only way for You to rescue her is to marry her and make Yourself her Redeemer.”  With joy the Captain accepted His charge! So, He left at once, riding hard and fast to reach the princess – His soon to be Bride – before more damage could be done.

Arriving in the little town where the princess was living, the Captain was surprised to see quaint life continuing as normal.  From His vantage point, of being on the front line, He had almost forgotten what normal life was like.  Looking across the town square, He caught His first glimpse of the princess.

This was the girl who was concerned that she was common?  That she was invisible?  Did she not know how much she looked like her Father?  Could she not see that His very essence was within her?  What could she possibly be comparing herself to, that she would think that she was nothing?

We both arrived at the door at the same time.  She was young, thin and shapely, I was over 30 and overweight.  He held the door for her and let it shut on me, despite the fact that I was carrying a baby.  I knew then that I hated being plain even more than I could put to words.  I knew then that I had officially become invisible.  There is little more that people with big technicolor personalities hate than to be invisible.  (We hardly like being quiet – ask Kristine or anyone who knows me IRL)    😉

When I met Jeff, he had more girlfriends than I could keep track of. He was so smooth and suave that women practically threw themselves at him.  I’m serious.  I saw a young lady basically propose marriage to him, even though she hadn’t seen him in person for many years.  My friend Mary Jo said, “He’s slick.  A few hours with him and you could be eating out his hand!  Man, enjoy him, but beeee careful.”  I was too bullheaded to listen.   😆

Because of my past and the wounding that the sins of my father and grandfather had perpetrated against me, when I met Jeff, I pinned the hopes and dreams of years of girlhood on him.  I wanted him to find me to be the most breathtakingly beautiful thing in the world.  I wanted him to have eyes for no one else.  I didn’t for one second believe I deserved such a thing or warranted such attention, but I wanted it.   😆   I wanted God to make me such a perfect fit for him, that he would never want another.  It didn’t happen….again.

About 10 yrs ago, after many years of secrecy and lies, Jeff confessed to me that he too had been harboring an addiction to pornography.  He didn’t tell me until he and God had had it out and the Lord had set him free.  (I remember the day it happpened – I just didn’t know what had occurred.  Jeff had a retreat day without us and when he came to get us from my Mom’s where we were staying, his face was full of broken blood vessels.  He had spent the day in gut wrenching weeping, as the Lord both convicted him and started him on the path to freedom.)  I was torn between feelings of anger, betrayal and incredible thankfulness that the Lord had protected the children and I through that and left me oblivious until that very moment.

However, what that stirred up in me in regards to how I looked was horribly painful. For the first time in fourteen years of marriage, he was telling me I was beautiful (Something about valiantly fighting the battle of pornography made him more of a man.  No longer was he allowing his fear of my response to keep him from telling me I was beautiful to him) and now more than ever, I could not believe him.  The time he spent desiring others only convinced me anew that I was nothing to be desired.  The pain was so great, I remember waking one morning and saying, “Father, will there ever be a day I can wake up without my heart feeling like it will explode?” That day came, but it was long in the making.

Because of this confession, and the emboldening (is that even a word???) that Jeff found in doing battle with his sin, our marriage became more than I could EVER wish or dream for.  It was sweeter, richer and more deep than anything I knew anyone else had.  Yet still, in his arms, I just felt….plain.  Truly in all areas of our life – except how I looked – I knew, and had experienced, the joy of the years of the locusts eating being restored to me.  When it came to how I looked, I believed with all my heart, that the Lord had chosen to not make me beautiful and that is how I would remain.

(Dear ones – I must ask you before I end, for now – do you love your husband?  Is there even a shred of love in your heart for him?  Then do not allow the sin of pornography in your household.  I have heard MANY women say that grace should be given to our poor bedraggled men -for they are in the world and they simply can’t help it.

To which I reply, “Would you stand by and watch someone steal from you and your husband, if you had the means by which to stop it?  Would you allow someone to come and beat your husband to a pulp without doing something to stop it?”  One Brother in the Lord told me, “Don’t make him stop looking at other women, he isn’t dead, you know.”  I was livid.  I responded with, “On the contrary, that is EXACTLY what the Lord has called him to do.  Die to his sin and live in grace and victory.”  (Side note – that Brother was our pastor.  How sad that makes me now, that he made excuses for the sin of lust so readily.)

Dear Sister, by allowing the sin of pornography to reside in your home without confronting it, you are allowing the enemy to beat the stinking daylights out of your husband.  If Jeff had confessed to me any earlier, I would have allowed it to go on, because I believed that my place as his helpmeet was to shut up and allow him to continue in his sin.  THAT IS A LIE.  As someone who loves her man, you should be arming yourself with EVERY tool in the arsenal of God, to do battle with this heinous, never-satisfied beast!  If you don’t know how to do battle with this, then ask me.

I have spent a lifetime having porn steal from me.  I can never go back and have the delight of a daddy watching his daughter twirl and say, “How do I look Daddy?”  That day is reserved for my time with Father, now.  But that is not how it is intended to be.  Do not let this beast from the pit steal that from your daughter.  Likewise, I will never know that “punched in the stomach” feel I’ve heard other men talk of, when seeing their wife for the first time.  That too was stolen from me.  And from Jeff.  It has been stolen from too many of us.  We must now stand up and fight.  There is no later.  The hour is now and the battle is intense and we must enter it.
Um…gee, want to know how I really feel about all this??!!! I did mention I had a technicolor personality, didn’t I?  There is little I have no passion about, but this issue sets me RAGING.  Please forgive me if my intensity offends you.)

PS If porn has already stolen much from you, and your love for your husband is waning (or has died already) because of this vile thing, then let’s talk. (email me)  I believe that the Lord has taught me, some, how to move from that place.  Please know I’m praying for any of you that this may apply to!

10 Responses to “Mirror mirror full of lies ~ Every word you speak, I despise”
  1. whimsy says:

    Can I tell you how soothing those words are to me? Probably not, because I don’t have the gift to express myself in words like you do. So just imagine my gratefulness OK?

    Be expecting an email!

  2. whimsy says:

    AND I want this story published in book form Missy! This is WAY too good. I want to be able to read it to my daughters. I want to give it to friends and family.

    This is POWERFUL. I have never thought of it that way, but since I read it, I can’t STOP thinking of it. It makes so much sense. Makes it so clear.

    I now realize that I have been grieving my Father by believing those lies. What a sneaky, sneaky enemy we fight.

  3. winkies6 says:

    I was thinking this sounded like a book in the works as well! So eloquent dahling!

  4. Kristine says:

    This story belongs in the same book as the Clarkified Princess and the Pea. (Dawn, I need to talk with you about that IRL. Although, if I must, I’ll settle for email or IM. I have the perfect cover for the book. Seriously!)

    Dear technicolor friend, your story has tugged at my heart. I have been Bombarded by the enemy’s lies for the last two months and didn’t even realize it. Slightly different lies than those in your story, but Lies nonetheless.

    Thank you for the wake-up call to stop believing the lies and seek the Truth.

  5. valerie says:

    No time to write but I am PROUD of you!! AWESOME stuff, you go, warrior princess. Cheering from the sidelines, dearest.


  6. Holly says:

    postscript from my comment on the previous post: May I please ask that you do a post that deals specifically with ways for a woman to confront porn in her home, wrestle through, help her husband wrestle through, and work toward health and healing and restoration in her marriage? Some may feel free to e-mail you – but many who read will not – and they would benefit from reading your words and wisdom.

    Second – can you post, specifically, on how Father is freeing you from your bondage and giving you a new worth and self-image? How does that feel? We women need to read this – too!

    Dawn – you have so much to share with all of us. Thank you!

    Something that has been so freeing in my marriage is to finally ACCEPT that I am loved. Oh yes, I still sometimes say “Are you sure?” When my husband says that he loves me – but generally, I am able to believe it. (And that only took about 15 years.) 🙂 I am able to believe that he thinks I am beautiful – not because the world might think that I am beautiful according to their standards. (Ha. Seven babies and aging?) But – because he loves me, and sees me as his beloved. Also, because I know, for certainty, that I have his heart and his eyes – that they are reserved for me only. He is not sharing our love with print magazine nor with graphic images…his love is saved for me – only – and that through his eyes of love, I AM beautiful to him.

    Very, very, freeing – and very, very healing to a woman whose childhood was also stolen!

    Amen, ladies! There IS freedom in Christ! There is love, and peace, and healing – and I testify to that! You CAN live free! and so can your men!

  7. javadawn says:

    Kristine – THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!! WE’RE GOING!!!! GOD HAS PARTED THE RED SEA!!! Let’s talk then. We’ll be there early on Thurs. Felt like Father said before noon????!!! (Who knows what He has up His immeasurable sleeve.) 😆

    Val, SMOOCH you, you darling thing. I love it – Warrior Princess. I may get a t-shirt with that on it. 😆

    Holly, I will happily share….but I am just not sure how to do so in a way that is….decorous. Is it possible to discuss something like this in that way?!!!

    As for how/what the new way of life looks like, well, you’ll just have to read the next installment. 😉 But, I have SUCH freedom in this place – I can hardly get my mind around it.

    I want to take a quick minute here to say 1) I am not sharing this story without Jeff’s knowledge nor 2) his full support and encouragement. Since being set free, he is P.A.S.S.I.O.N.A.T.E. about seeing other men experience freedom.

    In grace ~

  8. myderbe says:

    Dawn, you are great! My heart is just full to overflowing with thankfulness to God for the ability He has given you to communicate, the passion He has given you, the influence He has given you, the boldness He has given you. Thank you for being obedient. You are a dear friend and sister, and I appreciate your heart for ministry.

  9. Dawn – This is so wonderful. I think all wives could stand to hear more about this subject and about how to confront our husband’s sin in general. It’s so hard for me to figure out the balance -how do I treat him like the head of our home and yet tell him when he is dead wrong about something? How do I help without morphing into the boss?

  10. valerie says:

    Throw decorum out the window! Jesus was never decorous 😉 I just LOVE what you are doing here, despite this thing never having been one I have encountered in my life, but I HATE what satan has done to so many people. When we pull stuff out into the Light, that ol devil has to flee. Light has no company with darkness. I just feel such a stirring in my heart with what you are doing, be BOLD – you rock!!!

    Dear Shannon – to point out sin is NOT usurping authority – it is rising as an armour bearer, pointing the way to holiness. Just tell him straight – with love, but that is, of course, your motivation. I have said to my husband things like, “You have got an attitude here that is wrong and you need to deal with it. You need to get into some serious prayer if you are going to overcome.” It is truth – motivated by love – and he certainly does the same for me. Love does not allow others to continue in damaging sin.

    I so believe this is a loving thing to do – nothing to do with who is boss.

    Dawn – get the t-shirt! Praying for you. This is such, such good stuff. Be BOLD! Lives will be set free. So excited!

    Off to finish packing now….

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