What Do You See?

You never know what you’ll see during rush hour traffic.

For Ann, she was taking her son’s hamster to class for Show n’ Tell. Suddenly,the hamster got lose and started crawling around the car. Not knowing what else to do, she pulled off to the side of the road to try to catch him. As she did that, a semi let lose with a HUGE air horn, which only managed to cause the hamster to freak and he climbed right down inside the front of her shirt, where she began to try and catch him racing around under the loose top she was wearing. Laughing hysterically while she was at it.

For Bob, he saw a poor woman, standing outside her car, beating on her body, in the midst of an epileptic seizure. Since his sister struggled with the same thing, he quickly pulled over to the side of the road to offer her some assistance.

For Mike, he saw an attempted rape in progress. The poor woman was obviously distraught and she was trying to hold off the man, who kept trying to grab her. He pulled over to the side of the road immediately, grabbed the guy and broke his nose, with one well-placed punch.

It’s amazing how quickly things become twisted, when we’re not privy to the truth, isn’t it? For Bob, his perception resulted in a broken nose.

I know just how Bob feels. In some ways I feel like I’m in the process of getting a good bonk on the old schnozzle, myself. In other ways, I feel privileged that the Lord would find me worthy to endure this trial. (‘Cause let me tell you, I sure don’t feel worthy!)

If you’ve read here for very long, you know that the Lord is taking us from the land of Igottajob to the plains of Werkinfermahself. The trek across the desert that separates them is no less than that which divides Egypt from the Promised Land. (And I assure you, those chapters which focus on that process have been my daily bread for over a year.)

What you may or may not know is that when the Lord first made that call upon our lives, I rebelled. I don’t mean I fussed and told the Lord I didn’t want to do this. I mean I REBELLED.

“I am NOT going there Lord. I have done that once in my life and I am not going back. You have the WRONG Dawn. Here, check my Social Security number, I know You will see right away, I am NOT the Dawn You had in mind.” The problem with this was, He did have the right Jeff and since we seem to be connected, I had no choice but to go along for the ride. Which I did. Kicking and screaming.

You see, I had come from a home where my parents were entrepreneurs. In the 80’s. In the crafts market. Life at our house was bleak most of the time and down right scary the rest of the time. We literally prayed for our daily bread. (We often didn’t know in the morning what, if anything, the Lord would provide for food through out that day.)

We lived, all five of us, in the back of my parent’s business – we shared one room for a bedroom and we had one bathroom, with one sink, to do our dishes in, bathe from and offer to the customers for use as well. We had no kitchen, no living room, nor any other room to call our own. All our food was made in either the microwave or an electric skillet. (Which limited our options.) After several years of that, we did find a crock pot at Goodwill, which opened us up to an entirely new culinary world. πŸ™‚

Because of this, when the Lord started talking about our being self employed, I freaked. Jeff and I were married for close to five years, before I could bring myself to use a crock pot. To this day I do not cook in a microwave – although now it’s for health reasons, before that, it was for nausea reasons. The mere sight of bologna can cause a digestive rebellion that can last for hours and in the last few years, I’ve just begun to be able to eat hot dogs again – but ONLY if they’ve been grilled.

However, I desired what the Lord had for us more than I wanted to wallow in the muck of my past, so I asked the Lord to change my heart. Which, He most graciously did. Gee thanks, Lord. πŸ˜‰

Since then we have been riding on something that can only be described as a roller coaster – with a several twists in it – that loses gravity somewhere between the first and second loopdee loop. (WHAT? You don’t say loopdee loop?! What’s wrong with you?) I won’t lie – I love this way of living. It’s on the edge. It requires an intimate relationship with Father and it means Jeff and I get to spend lots of time praying together to discern the next step.

However, this last week, something new was thrown into this mix. Foreclosure. We received the notice the day after the pizza incident. Father graciously told me it was coming, in my prayer time that morning. He told me in a way that didn’t cause fear to rise up in me, nor unbelief to swell my soul. I knew that I knew that I knew that the Lord was on His throne and His plan for us was good. (I was so at peace that when they knocked on the door to have us sign for it, my stomach didn’t even flip flop)

Somewhere along the way, this past weekend, I lost site of that good plan and I began to freak. I was scared we’d end up living on the street – or worse yet – the way we did when I was a kid. Everything I hated about the way we had to live came rushing back. Suddenly I went from totally unmoved – to totally unglued. I don’t know how it is that it was able to sneak up on me so quickly, but sneak it did – and freak I did.

Thankfully, due to the prayers of those that care for us and the mercy of the Lord, I was able to find that place of total peace, again. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not looking forward to losing our house. BUT, on the other side of that coin, I am not interested in holding onto this house, if it is not exactly and perfectly what the Lord wants for us.

Transparency requires I admit – I sure have struggled with the whole pride thing – you know, Godly people don’t lose their houses. Well, I suppose that might be truth to some people, but speaking as people who are walking in a place of total dependence on the Lord, I can tell you, it may well be that Godly people DO lose their houses. What they don’t lose is their peace – or their relationship with their Lord. For neither of those things are dependent on whether or not they have a house.

Today, Jeff spoke to our banker and they aren’t going to throw us out the door in 20 some days, as we feared. They are very willing to work with us and see if this can be resolved – but should Father need to take this house in order to purify us further – then it is His for the taking.

So while this situation looks mighty bleak and potentially frightening, when I have my eyes where they should be, it’s much easier to see what is really there. Nothing that wasn’t there two days before we received the notice. A Lord who is able. A daughter who is needy. A family who is dependent on grace. And people who just love the Lord and desire to be obedient.

To the world, what they would see is people who are crazy (I ~might~ give them that one) πŸ˜‰ and irresponsible. (I don’t think I can give them that one) They would see a situation FRAUGHT with possible destruction. What I see is a situation that doesn’t match up with what I would desire, but it is one that is FRAUGHT with hope and a future, one that is filled with profit and devoid of harm. (Jeremiah 29:10, if you doubt me) πŸ™‚ But that’s just what I see.

(Final note -PLEASE do not presume to think that I’m bragging about this peace and faith that I’m walking in. I’m not stupid enough to think that it’s anything I have “conjured” up on my own. I know enough to know that I’m walking on Holy Ground here and it’s ALLALLALLALLALL grace!!!!!)

2 Responses to “What Do You See?”
  1. myderbe says:

    Dawn, I so appreciate your transparency. Thank you. I pray that our Father, who owns the cattle on every hillside and who certainly can provide for you to keep your house if that’s His will, will fulfill His desire and work in your life to glorify Himself.

    I think too many of us have confused “being a good Christian” with living the American dream.

    I am certain God will do His good pleasure. I encourage you to continue obeying (as if you don’t already know that, but we’re supposed to encourage and exhort one another) and following after Him. He’s way better than a house. πŸ™‚

  2. javadawn says:

    Jenn, such kind and comforting words. We have received both ends of the spectrum – those who are harsh and angry that we would claim to be Believer with such a record upon us and those who are loving us through this hour!

    Isn’t it amazing that the Blood of Jesus can cover most of our sins….isn’t it astounding that there are still a few that His blood can’t quite reach?!

    I was blown away when we were recently told that our children were suffering in the midst of this and that we were selfish and cruel to allow them to go through this. (My children, are much better at this than I! They consider it an honor that the Lord would allow us to go through this!!!)

    I wanted to laugh in the face of the speaker – this self sufficient, middle class American has NO concept of poverty and has likely lost their ability to minister there, as well. (Not that there is anything wrong with being middle class – it’s the self sufficient part, I’m sneering at….although that reflects my heart, only too well.) 😦

    I assure you, had we not gone through this, I would have NEVER experienced the depth of the despair that just keeps rolling over one when they find out that with every action taken against them, the “powers that be” close off one more way of escape.

    Above and beyond that, when I asked them, “What if this is EXACTLY what the Lord wants of us, and to continue is the way of obedience?” Their response was “G0d doesn’t want you to have no money. He doesn’t want your bills to be late. He would much rather you go out and get 2 jobs and make everything right.”

    Hmmm…. I wonder….is that really what He wants?
    (I’m preaching, aren’t I?) πŸ˜• I’ll hush for now.

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