The earth moved under my feet…
Have you ever had one of those moments where something happens and if someone else were watching, they wouldn’t have seen a thing that earmarked that as a momentous occasion, and yet….you knew that your life was just changed?
I remember the day I saw Jeff for the first time. We didn’t speak and we didn’t even make eye contact. I just thought he was very cute, with a great smile and he was laughing. (He was making those with him laugh too, which is quite the norm) And then there were those chocolate fudge brown eyes that went on for days! It was a powerful moment for me.
There was nothing outwardly that anyone would have noted. I didn’t stop and drool or anything like that. The sun didn’t stop in the sky. There wasn’t an angelic choir singing. There wasn’t even the smell of coffee in the air. Just a student center, full of noise and smoke, as I recall. Yet even though I just smiled, I like I’d been hit with a large stick.
I remember the day that they told me we were officially diagnosed as infertile. A stick wasn’t big enough – this was more like a large truck. It literally didn’t penetrate my brain all at once. I mean, come on, ANY idiot can get pregnant right? What’s wrong with me? I was happy to qualify for an idiot. (To any one reading who is experiencing the anguish of infertility – READ MY WORDS CAREFULLY. I’m not saying that any idiot CAN get pregnant. I’m saying those were my thoughts!!!! HUGE difference. I think all kinds of ignorant thoughts. Sadly.)
Again, nothing amazing happened. No somber music played. No tears rolled down my face. Just a quiet, elegant office with books lining an entire wall. There were pictures of the doctor’s family sitting all about. It was all very un-sitcom like. According to Jeff, who was watching my face closely, no one would ever have known the depth of pain the information that they had just given us caused me.
Somehow some of the biggest events in my life have seemed, from an outside perspective any way, to be of no great consequence. With all my drama background, I somehow expect the world to at least gently reflect the tumult in my heart or mind. You know, like rain when I’m sad or a full moon when I’m feeling romantic. Funny, it doesn’t happen that way. 😉
I recently had another one of those life changing, “why-aren’t-the-birds-singing?” moments. At the encouragement of a friend I was checking out the blog of someone new, they had found to be utterly delightful. Upon first perusal, I was enjoying it, nothing of any import, just the gentle enjoyment one might also have when sipping a cup of fragrant tea.
Suddenly looking at one of the pictures she had posted, I felt like someone had just smashed me somewhere in the region of my solar plexus – and if I’m not mistaken they were wearing a football helmet. It was a picture of a market not far from her home. Her home in France. There was something about what my eyes and heart were taking in that my brain wasn’t grasping. I wrote it off as lack of sleep and left the page.
Two hours later I was doing laundry and the echo of the pictures continued to ring in my mind. Something of great import was happening in my heart over those photos. I struggled to figure out what it was. I didn’t feel like it was anything I could share with anyone. How do you explain being touched to the point of feeling like your life was somehow incomplete and about to change….FROM A PHOTO TAKEN BY SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW LIVING SOMEWHERE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN!! ?!! HELLO?!! Shouldn’t that be….well, disturbing?!!
~ To be continued ~