Just last week, I told a dear Sister that I feel deceptive continuing to blog here at Javadawn.  On the outside I look pretty much the same as I did when I started. (Although, thank you Lisa, I now have lighter hair)    😀

On the inside, I’m totally different…okay, maybe not TOTALLY different, but VERY different.  And without sharing with you who I have become, I feel like you’re reading someone you may no longer even like, let alone trust. 

I can honestly say that two years ago, I’m not even certain I’d be willing to read something someone like me had written.  I would likely see them as misguided, confused and possibly misdirected.

So in light of that, in the heart of disclosure, I want to share with you who I am – and leave you to discern whether or not Javadawn is a place that Father wants you reading.

I do ask one thing before you do that, however.  Because I would have dismissed me so summarily, I might have missed out on some of the things that the Lord has been doing in my heart – because of that, I would ask that you pray as you read, asking Father if this is a safe place for you to be.  If while you’re reading, a concern rises up in your heart for us, then please, by all means address it.  I will give you fair warning, however, I have been arguing with the Lord about much of this for the past two years. So, I’m armed, and hopefully dangerous.  😀 😀 😀

I am……

The wife of Jeff, for 25 years. This process of the past two years being the hardest of all the years of our marriage.  We have been tried in the crucible of self and found lacking – and fought long and (most of the time) ferociously to have the relationship that we feel called of God to have, hating the stench of dying flesh more than any other smell in the world!

In that married relationship, I am his helpmeet, his co-laborer in grace.  We are collaborators (of work, fun and silliness) and team mates like we have never been before.  We write together, we work together, we share thoughts together, we dream together…we teach together. We have learned in a deeper and more valuable way, each other’s strengths, weaknesses and gaps. (OUCH) We are choosing to walk in a way that highlights the strengths, supports the weaknesses and fills in the gaps – in more ways than ever before.  We are learning what it means to be co-heirs in ways that we never imagined.

I have been called by the Most High God to help Jeff discover and operate in his Kingdom purpose.  There is no greater joy I have on this earth than seeing him come into this.  With each step toward fulfilling the destiny that the Lord has for him, I am finding my own destiny is being fulfilled.  So goes the economy of the Lord’s Kingdom.

The mother of 7 wonderful children. They each have a specific and very defined Kingdom purpose, which we are thrilling at the challenge of helping them discern. We are then wrapping their education around their call, to help them prepare specifically for the task that the Lord has for them.

Though I am working hours and in ways I never thought I’d support, Father is teaching me and has taught me (OUCH!) that when I am with them, I’m to be fully invested in ministering to and encouraging them.  Having a wandering mind is no longer a option for me.  The Lord is requiring me to keep my mind disciplined and stayed on Him.  (Did I mention OUCH?!)

In addition to helping my children discern and train for their Kingdom purpose, I am working to teach them that God is “far more abundantly Lord.” I do not want my children to face the future without knowing that they serve THE MOST HIGH God – not just in name, but in fullness of heart and mind, as well.

A personal, beloved steward of the Most High God. This means that we have been in the midst of fire and flame to deal with our worship of the spirit of Mammon.  (REALLY BIG OUCH!) We have now faced – and the Lord has brought us through – foreclosure on our home twice.  This last time, even though we knew it was coming, the work that the Holy Spirit has done in us is so deep that we didn’t even pause or doubt that the Lord would rescue us.  Peace and joy were our constant companions.

Because we are stewards of the Lord, ordering my home – sorting our things – spending our time – is all under HIS scrutiny in a whole new way.  There is nothing in my life that does not belong to Him, therefore, I do not have the “privilege” of wasting it.  This sounds very heavy, on the contrary, it’s very freeing. It has been agonizing to reach this place, but being here is SCHVEET.  🙂

As I have grown into this new understanding of being a steward of the Lord, there is a litany of things that have He has put His holy finger on and said, “This comes under My Lordship – and you have been made a steward of it.”  That list is long enough, that it warrants its very own post.  Suffice it to say, that there is no part of my life that is not my Master’s.

I will stop here, because sharing with you what the new understanding I have of becoming a steward of the Most High, Most Holy, Most Precious Lord has meant to me is the greatest part of this process.  To say it has been hard is a JOKE.  I literally thought at times that it would kill me.  More of my flesh has died in this process than in any other.  (I thought becoming a Godly parent was hard – ZHEESH!)

HOWEVER, I know that it is because of this work that Father has done in us – making us true stewards of His resources – that we are where we are today – and it is why we are going where we are headed.  I don’t want to diminish the import of this, because it is here that I would have most likely offended my own self a few years ago.  (Although the idea of being a working mom would have rattled me quite a bit.)  Because of that, I will post it separately…soon.  My Master has use of my time this morning.

Desiring His Awl ~ Dawn

7 Responses to “Disclosure”
  1. Susan (Delaware) says:

    Well, I certainly DO hope you post more! 🙂 I am still trying to understand what you’re talking about. I guess I’m a fairly concrete person (:)), so I would love to know SPECIFICALLY what you mean about being (for example) a steward of the most high. Or, to put it differently, aside from being a working mom, how are you different than you were two years ago?

    Just trying to clarify.

    In Jesus, Susan (who hasn’t been scared off YET)

  2. javadawn says:

    Susan, I WILL post more.

    I’ve even gotten it mostly written. I just need to read through it a time or two more before posting it – it’s such a nebulous thing to try and impart to someone else, that I want to make certain I’ve explained it as carefully as I can. I don’t want it to sound like I’m tooting my own horn, because the only horn I have to toot, should sound a whole lot more like braying than tooting. 😉

  3. reneegrace says:

    🙂 Bless you… and I love you!! I love what God is doing in you. I am learning not to put what “God working in someone” looks like into a box. Did that sentence make ANY sense?!?!? 🙂 or how God might use us into the confines of my pea brain. 🙂

  4. Margie says:

    What you have shared here is exactly why I read your blog. You are so open and honest in sharing the journey that God has you and Jeff walking. The good, the bad and the ugly. It serves only to make me stronger in my walk. You are a dear and your total reliance on the Father is such an encouragement to me.

  5. javadawn says:

    ReneeGrace, YES! It’s REALLY hard though, when you have your own boxes that you have God in and the work He’s doing in YOU doesn’t fit into that box. Makes one seem a bit….unstable. 😀

    Margie, please remember I’m just as much flesh as Elijah – a high point one moment and hiding in fear the next. 🙄

    And Margie, my dear? If that’s why you’re reading here, stick around, there’s PLENTY of good, bad and really ugly where the rest of it came from. 😀 😀 😉

  6. myderbe says:

    Thank you for writing.

    I’m learning that God does not always work in the ways we would expect Him to. I might think, “Well, obviously, God would want _____ and He would do ____.” But, you know, when I really read the Word, I see that God didn’t always work in those people’s lives in the ways I would have expected Him to. Why, then, would I put Him in a box now?!

    Does that even make sense?

  7. javadawn says:

    🙂 Yep. Only OHHHHH TOOO much sense!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: