I am pregnant
The moment was so overwhelming, I can only remember what was taking place in me – the conversation taking place around me simply faded from my consciousness. I was sorting through things at my parent’s house, after my Dad had passed away. I was filling boxes full of things that, in death, were no longer important to their owner – which at this point had become my siblings and I.
They weren’t heirlooms or memories hidden in physical things – they were the daily fodder of living – books, music, things that my parents enjoyed and employed in their walk on this mortal coil, but also things that none of us wanted – or if we did, already owned for ourselves. The culmination of two lives coming down to boxes. Boxes of stuff. Boxes filled because of death.
In that moment, what I was doing on that Friday stood in harsh and stark contrast to what I had been doing two Fridays before. I had been packaging things to send to National Bible Bee families. I was packaging Bible memory cards, Bibles and support materials to help thousands of families across the US spend a summer focused on the Word of God. One week boxes of life. Another week boxes of death. The disparity took my breath away. In that moment – I felt it move…..
It had been conceived quite a while before, as a small life-filled niggling. A quiet sense that Kingdom was so much bigger, so much more than we had ever understood before, was growing inside me. As I sat there looking at those boxes, I realized that I was pregnant – with the Kingdom. A sense of dissatisfaction began roiling in me. I have always thought that dissatisfaction was a sign of being disobedient and ungrateful, so I repented and went on about my business.
But, like most pregnancies, it did not go away. It has only continued to grow. The Bible Bee Nationals seemed to have fed this to the point of nearing birth! Since coming home from Nationals, I keep hearing a refrain in my heart, “I am spoiled, my Lord, for anything but a life WHOLLY given. Nothing but all of me- for You, for Your Kingdom – will ever satisfy me again.”
I would covet your prayers, as it’s not just being birthed in me – but in our entire family. We have always longed to live for the Kingdom – this is different. It isn’t something based on an event, it hasn’t wavered, but only grown. Our prayer has become, “Oh Lord Jesus, may we be found to be about our Father’s business, just as You were!” We long for discernment to know exactly what that business would be.
Until we hear from Father what that means, we will continue on, being obedient in all that we know to be obedient in – but underneath it all, we feel life – we feel the anticipation of impending birth.